10.20.2020 meltdown

On Sunday morning, I had a meltdown. I felt it coming on when I returned from my morning walk, so I tried picking a fight with Chris. He wouldn’t fight back, so I was left to feel the sorrow that I’d been trying to use my anger and judgement to avoid.

I wandered into the living room, feeling the raging fire of my heart… then I melted down… face-down to be precise.

I collapsed spread-eagle on the floor and I wept. I wept and I wept and I wept some more. It was an exceptional sort of cry. Unique in its purity; a surging of emotion without the usual soundtrack of a story. I felt like a newborn, wailing out loud, snot-puddling the floor beneath me, untethered from language, just a feeling-body at birth.

Chris gave me space for a bit before choosing a moment to comfort me without words, offering his body. Nothing sexual, just him anchoring me with the full-weight of his love.

Attention is medicine when it is offered without an agenda.

We both stayed like that for awhile, until my tear-well was dry.

Now you might call me crazy, but I gotta tell you… this meltdown of mine… It was fucking.beautiful. A pure emotional purge that left me less confused, swollen-faced, and lighter all around.

I share this with you because there is zero shame in a healthy meltdown, my loves. Our feelings are designed to move through us… to reshape us like water.

If you feel like melting down, I say, DO IT… thaw out all of that frozen emotion… and of course, be sure to do it in a way that feels safe and beautiful and true to you.